I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
