i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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