Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
