well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize