If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize