I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My bed smells like the plague
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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