FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
