Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
