She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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