I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
