Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
