I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
