Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
