her vagina looked like bernie madoff
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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