I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
