After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
