Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My ass is underappreciated
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize