I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
