I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
