so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
