Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
