the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
