he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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