So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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