For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize