My nipple is on Facebook.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
