I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
