she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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