There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
