If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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