Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Randomize
