I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
