I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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