Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize