Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
