NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
