Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
