Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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