If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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