Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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