i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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