and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
