You smell like a Billy Joel song
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
