just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
