Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
