I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
