So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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