If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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