I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
