FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
