peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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