i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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