You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
